The Mallard Duck Story
I had been with the company for only a few months, I don't think I had passed my 3 month probation, and I had just been moved to a different store as a new manager (lets call him Zack) was taking over and they wanted to give him a new staff member (me) and an established staff member (lets call him Tim) to balance out the team. I was told later on that the reason I was moved was firstly they thought that my ethusiasm would balance out Tim's lethargy and that his competency would balance out my inability to do sod and all, and secondly that my former Manager thought me and another new guy were the worst of the 3 new hires and thus wanted to keep the best new guy and farm us off. He was wrong btw, I turned out to be the best, yes that sounds arrogant, but seriously I was.
Anyway, I'd been working with Tim for a couple of weeks at most and we still hadn't quite gotten to know eachother, but we got on well enough. So it's one of those slowish days and I'm sitting towards the back of the store painting Great Swords I believe and chatting to two of our regulars whilst Tim stood towards the front in case someone came in.
Now in my defense Tim was totally blocking my sight to the front of the store, so I didn't think anything when I somehow began to talk about mallard ducks. You see mallard ducks where the topic of a segment of Steward Lee's stand up (if you don't know him, check him out on Youtube) at the Edinburgh festival and he was talking about how Right Wing Christians were using March of Penguin to say "Hey look at these penguins who mate for life with one member of the opposite sex, use contraceptive and go to church every Sunday. We should behave just like them, it's the natural way to do things" So he in response had had the thought of calling his show March of the Mallard Ducks and then went on to explain why.
So I thought I would repeat his story to the two guys, which was that "mallard ducks are the only animal in the animal kingdom who reproduce exclusively through gang rape. So when the female duck is in heat, flocks of male mallard ducks will attack and go to town on her. The mallard duck is also the only animal in the animal kingdom where there is photographic evidence of homosexual necrophilia as there is a photo of a male duck just going at it inside of the arse of a dead male mallard duck. Therefore we should use the lives of these animals to prove to others than we should not only rape, but also engage in homosexual necrophilia."
The second I finished this story I glance over to Tim and see him with his back to me, shaking and before I can respond he exclaims "I'm sorry I just can't do this" and walks away crying with laughter towards our back room revealing a rather perplexed child and his concerned father.
I have no idea if they heard, I'm pretty sure they did, but regardless I went over, chatted to them both and showed them how a game of 40k looked. Showed off the 40k starter bundle (Assault on Black Reach, Hobby Starter Set & a can of black spray) and actually managed to sell the lot to them. We never saw them again mind you, clearly my amazing intro skills were enough to dampen the duck rape conversation, but clearly the Dad wasn't too sure he wanted his son coming in for free lessons from a man interested in photos of animal homosexual necrophila. I kind of get that to be honest. Anyway Tim comes out like 10 minutes later, looks at me, and turns back around to the back office in tears of laughter.
Needless to say we've been great friends since.
So there you have it, the story of the Mallard Duck. I hope you too find these biological facts interesting and I highly rate them as great dinner party openers...
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